Today was a really hard day for me. Please bear with me... I know that I rant and I'm sorry but I just had to get these things off my chest!
With my pregnancy: I feel fatter every day, I have absolutely no control over my emotions (so I felt like crying for no reason ALL day), my back and hips hurt and even when I get them massaged they still hurt so there is never any relief, and I can no longer get up on my own from any position (when I try I look like a beached whale!). I'm sick of going to the doctor and being asked why I gained so much weight since the last check-up... it's because I'm pregnant and am constantly hungry and craving sweets 24/7! Logan is pressing on my bladder all the time so it has now gotten to the point where I have to use the time to know if I really need to go to the bathroom or not. I can no longer bend down to put on my pants or to tie my shoes so Sam has to help me with this as well! I am also stressing out about being able to breast feed this time around since my milk didn't come in last time so that just adds another layer to the joy. Luckily, Logan's room is all ready for him and now it's just time to wait... oh man...
With society: I really hate the society we live in. Why does anyone think that they have a right to judge someone else? Really? So are we just supposed to conform to what others think we should? Why? I hate that you can say something and be completely judged and labelled for the rest of your life because of something that someone doesn't approve of. I hate that people in this society feel that they aren't able to be themselves, to say what they really think, to do what they really do, to stand up to others for fear of ridicule or rejection. Why as a society do we allow others to dictate these things? I am a great example of this... why do I not openly talk about what happened to me as a child? Because I don't want to feel as if I have lost a part of me... because I am afraid that I could talk to the wrong person and they would use those things against me for whatever reason. So even knowing this, I still don't talk about it and therefore continue to perpetrate the standing that society has control over me. Is that really fair?
With my emotions: Very recently I was asked to make a statement regarding my past for the court. My half-sister is taking this person to court and they have asked for my account of events in order to help see that he goes to jail for his .... (I don't have a word that is strong enough to go here). This has created a lot of turmoil in me. Should I do this? I understand the positives: It gives me a chance to tell my side of the story, I would most likely feel vindicated, If it helps put this person in jail then it would be well deserved, It might stop this same thing from happening to another girl, and I would be helping my sister. That sounds great right? Well here are the negatives: There wasn't enough evidence to take him to court when I was young so what is the difference now? I have gone to YEARS of therapy and just the thought of this makes me want to call my therapist and start seeing him again! I am stressed out the courts might put my address or adopted/married name in something and he could track me down (Yes, this has happened before!). It's not just me that I have to worry about anymore. Because of my worries about this, I am under a lot of stress and that worries me because too much stress can be harmful to the baby. Also, if they read my statement in court (because I will NOT go and be in front of him again) would he find some amusement in the fact that what he did to me still affects my life?
Wow, I really did go on didn't I? I'm sorry! I'll try to write more often and keep my rantings to a minimum!
